If I Were Making DOA 7...(Part 3)

Here we are with another post of what DOA 7 would look like if I were in charge of production.  In the first two entries, I talked about things like how costumes, features, and DLC would work.  Now it's time to get down to the fun part; building the roster.  So, let's fire up the Hypernerd Workbench and get to work.

Before that, let's break down how this roster will be made up.  First, we'll have twenty-four returning characters.  That number seems quite large, but if this is going to be the biggest and best DOA yet, then we have to go big.  Then, there would be four new characters to bump the roster up to twenty-eight.  Next, there will be four guest characters to push the roster up to thirty-two characters.  Finally, I'll talk about four characters who could/should be DLC, for a final roster size of thirty-six, roughly the size of the roster of DOA 5 Last Round.  Anyway, enough talking.  Let's fire up the workbench.

Retuning Characters

1.  Ryu Hayabusa

2.  Kasumi

3.  Ayane

4.  Hayate

5.  Momiji

6.  Bayman

7.  Bass

8.  Tina

9.  Lisa/La Mariposa

10.  Mila

11.  NiCO

12.  Marie Rose

13.  Eliot

14.  Brad Wong

15.  Diego

16.  Zack

17.  Helena

18.  Kokoro

19.  Rig

20.  Honaka

21.  Jann Lee

22.  Tamaki

23.  Christie

24.  Lei Fang

New Characters

I'm not very good at creating characters, so I will leave all the major details to the experts.  I can, however, talk about the basics.  First, the ideal breakdown would be two new males and two new females.  Things could break 3-1 in favor of the males, but I would not go 3-1 for the females.  If you look at the returning characters, it's 14-10 in favor of the females.  Bringing in three new males would balance the roster better.  I also would not break 4-0 either way.

Also, clones would be avoided if that character is already on the roster.  For example, a Gen Fu clone would be okay because he's not on the roster, but a Kasumi clone would be off-limits.  On that note, unrepresented fighting styles would be the rule, not the exception.

Guest Characters

If you've been reading enough of my posts, you'll know who these characters are going to be.  Tekken characters.  I would be excited to see any of these characters show up, never mind all of them.

1.  Asuka Kazama

2.  Nina Williams

3.  Lili Rochefort

4.  Heihachi Mishima

DLC Characters

In terms of DLC, the only character who is a must is Mai Shiranui.  I'll never get tired of seeing her in DOA.  The others are characters who would be difficult to pull off, but a man can dream, right?

1.  Mai Shiranui (Fatal Fury/King Of Fighters)

There's not a more natural fit for DOA than Mai.  One of the hottest game girls in a game where the hotness of the girls is embraced.  What more could you want?

2.  Sakura Kasugano (Street Fighter)

There's been a disturbing trend of women without assets popping up in DOA over the last two games.  I don't really like it, but if we're going in that direction, why isn't this cutie getting a nod?  Yeah, she's an acquired taste, but she's popular and has a ton of outfits to bring with her, including her iconic school uniform.

3.  Kyo Kusanagi (King Of Fighters)

A cool guy from King Of Fighters.  Nuff said.

4.  Cammy White (Street Fighter)

In a series that's as much about T&A as it is about the fighting, a character who puts emphasis on the A would fit right in.  She has some outfit diversity for those who are averse to the A, though.

And that would be my DOA 7 roster.  Of course, it's likely that if DOA 7 happens, the roster won't look like this.  But this is my roster.  Agree?  Disagree?  Who would you add or take away?  Comment and have your voice heard.

If I Were Making Dead Or Alive 7...(Part 2)

By now, it should be no secret that I'm a fan of the Dead Or Alive series.  Not many people can say that with pride, especially after DOA 6's failure.  That said, I want the series to be more alive than dead.  These are just a few more of the things I would do to bring the series back to life if I were making DOA 7.

1.  Don't Add Anymore Lolis...Please!

The addition of Marie Rose is when things started to go wrong for DOA.

First things first.  DOA has always been about hot, buxom women whuppin' ass.  For the most part, it still is, but things took a bad turn with the inclusion of Marie Rose.  The existence of Marie Rose in and of itself isn't a huge problem.  After all, not every girl can be a big-breasted smoke factory.  She has a crowd that can identify with her, play well with her, or even be attracted to her.  While I'm not one of those people, I don't hate Marie Rose and understand her existence.  Unfortunately, Marie Rose isn't where the Loli Train stopped.  Enter, Honaka, NiCO, and Kula.

Honaka is the least loli of the bunch but something is...off about her.  She looks like she belongs in a different game.  And while I like the idea of a cute schoolgirl who copies moves from other characters (I'm a Sakura Kasugano fan, after all), her fighting style doesn't seem executed very well.  It doesn't feel good to play her.  She needs to feel cleaner or be replaced.

Honaka is cool but could feel better.

I actually like NiCO from a gameplay standpoint.  I like her wardrobe.  And that death scream is the sunshine of all my playthroughs.  Honestly, there's not much to dislike about her.  If I had to keep one loli, it would be her.

I can't think of much wrong with NiCO.

Finally, there's Kula.  Yeah...that...happened.  While she doesn't wear anything particularly sexy, I never want to see Kula in another DOA game.  King Of Fighters has better (and hotter) options.

I love ya, Kula.  But stay out of DOA.

So, with that, you have three Lolis; Marie Rose, NiCO, and Honaka.  That's where the Loli Train needs to stop.  No more Lolis!

2.  Add Another Guy Or Two

A Terry appearance would be...Okay!

DOA 6 added had a decent roster but it had several glaring issues.  One is that while the roster was big, it added four new characters, two right out the box and two via DLC.  Three of those characters, Tamaki, NiCO, and Kula are women, and the lone male is Diego.  In fact, they took out two men, Gen Fu and Leon.  Now I hated Gen Fu and I don't really miss Leon, but they could have created two new guys to take their place.  If they aren't confident they can create an original male, they could try for another King Of Fighters character, like Terry or Kyo, or if they are really want to play hardball, a Tekken character.  They really should add more males or they might as well just make DOA an all-female fighting game because that's where we're headed at this rate.

3.  Finish The Series Strong

If they are going to end or reboot the series, they need to finish the current story in a satisfying manner.  Don't end things on a cliff hanger.  Don't end with an underwhelming final boss.  Don't leave any loose ends.  Does Kasumi live a happy life or get hunted down and killed?  Does Ayane ever overcome her jealousy or whatever it is she's feeling?  Does Helena find and kill Donovan?  Does Zack ever stop perving on the women?  Is Mai canon?  All these and many other questions need to be answered.

4.  Add A Beat 'Em Up Mode

One of the many things Tekken does fairly well is integrate a beat 'em up mode.  I think DOA could do it better because of its simpler control scheme.  It can't be too hard to create 4-6 levels with a bunch of generic thugs to beat on.

And that's four more things I would do if I were making DOA 7.  So, what would you add or take away from the next DOA?  Comment and have your voice heard.

Videogame Hotties: Minerva Victor

She's confident.  She wears glasses.  She doesn't want to be looked at.  It's Minerva Victor from Valkyria Chronicles 4.

Minerva is a red-haired badass and rival of Valkyria Chronicles 4's protagonist, Claude.  She was a powerful commander for the Federation until a tragic event (no spoilers here) cut her down to size and forced her to work with Claude.  But she's still a powerful Scout, with sky-high HP and good potentials.  Let's not forget that she's an officer, which gives her extra commands points and allow her to command her own little squad.

Of course she wears a miniskirt into combat, like all powerful game girls do.

A badass female is nothing without her miniskirt.

She has a way with words.

She's kind of a tight-ass.

She'll always say what's on her mind.

She knows what she wants in a man...or at least what she doesn't want him to wear.

Calm down, Minnie.  It's just a swimsuit.

She has a strong sense of duty.

Minnie doesn't like being sidetracked. 

And she's selfless.

What would this game be like if she was the main character?

She can fill out a swimsuit nicely.

But even when she's showing all those assets, she acts like a TikTok gym girl.

And that's Minerva Victor.  She's honorable, competitive, confident (for the most part), and talented.  Sound like your type?  Check her out in Valkyria Chronicles 4.

5 Terrible Games I Am Ashamed To Own

As a hypernerd, I play a lot of games.  Naturally, you're going to come across some shitty ones if you play long enough.  I don't intentionally seek out bad games.  There are other people who do that so much better than I ever will.  But sometimes, you think, "this looks interesting," or, "this can't be as bad as advertised".  After all, I did a list of bad games that I enjoy and still play to this day.  This list is different.  This, in no particular order, are five turds that I could not polish enough to get any enjoyment out of.

5.  Mindjack (PS3)

Mindjack is the ultimate example of "cool idea, terrible execution".  The music is good and the concept of possessing other people and fighting as them is a great idea.  Unfortunately, you actually have to play the game and that's where the problems start.  It's glitchy, twitchy, and shitty.  This is an example of a game where I just had to see if a good concept could overcome bad execution.  Sadly, in the case of Mindjack, it can't.  Oh, well.  At least the music is good.

4.  SimCity 2000 (PS1)

Ugh, the control.  The control breaks everything this game had going for it.  It's a decent city builder, but the control is just too much to overcome.  Being slow and choppy doesn't do it any favors, either.  Do yourself a favor and stick with the PC version.

3.  Cuties Hacked (PS4)

It's one of those games where you have to make cuts to reveal a certain percentage of a picture before you run out of lives.  Your reward for doing so is getting a picture of a cute (but poorly drawn) woman.  There are traps and enemies that will do everything in their power to stop you from retrieving your jerk material.  Honestly, the gameplay isn't that bad.  So if it's not bad, why is it on this list?

There is one bigtime flaw that sinks the game; you need to be online to access all the girls.  First, you have to buy all but two of the girls.  You'll still pay less than ten dollars for the game, so that's not too bad, even if it's still shitty.  No, the bad part is that you need to be online to play their levels and view their pictures.  In other words, you need to be connected to use content you already paid for.  Even if you've already beaten those levels, you can't replay them or view the pictures unless you're connected.  WTF?  That is total BS.

2.  Extinction (PS4)

If I was making this list in order, this would be number one.  I've already done a review on it, so I won't go into detail here.  Trust me when I say that this is the shittiest game I own.  Yes, it's even worse than Mindjack.  Stay away from this turd.

1.  Burning Fight (PS2)

I didn't want to add this one for two reasons.  First, it's a part of a compilation and I was only trying to put stand-alone games on this list.  Second, it's a beat 'em up, one of my favorite genres.  But, the game is just so shitty, I had to.

The game has a few things going for it.  The graphics are good.  The music is solid.  I like the atmosphere of the first level.  On the next level, there's a chick with sexy legs trying to run you through with a knife and you get to beat the crap out of Hulk Hogan.  That's where the positive end.

When you first start playing, the combat doesn't feel too bad.  "It's not Final Fight or Streets Of Rage, but it's serviceable."  But if you keep playing, you'll see how crappy it is.  You'll be dodging dynamite, get beaten by cowards with chains, shot by guys who look like Inspector Gadget, and jumped on by gay, sumo-wrestling, Mexican truckers.  That's not all, but the point is you'll be getting beat left and right and it seems like there's nothing you can do about it.  Everything just feels wrong after the first level.  This game should be good, but it isn't.

And those are the five shittiest games in my personal collection.  Obviously, there are shittier games out there.  As I said before, I don't go out of my way to hunt down shitty games that don't at least look interesting.  I DO have a big backlog, so maybe there will be a part two someday.  Until then, what are the shittiest games in your collection?  Comment and have your voice heard.

Hunie Pop 2: Double Date Review (PC)

An island of horny women.  Dating two women at a time.  Kyu.  This is Hunie Pop 2: Double Date.

In Hunie Pop 2: Double Date, you reprise your role as the ultimate playboy (or playgirl if you choose).  This time, you're called upon to save the universe from a pair of space whores.  How will you accomplish this?  By going to an island resort and screwing the brains out of every woman there, then screwing the brains out of the space whores, too.

Once again, the dates and sex are puzzles to be solved.  There one big difference from the prequel, though.  You have to date two women at once.  Things aren't too different from how they were before on this front.  Simply fill up the Affection meter to win. 

Gameplay is largely the same as the first game, except you'll date two women at once.

There are new mechanics that up the challenge.  First, the women can run out of stamina.  When one girl runs out of stamina, she's on the sidelines until she regains four bars.  If both girls run out of stamina, that's your ass.  The best way to restore stamina is to match at least three gray pentagons.  You can conserve the stamina of one woman by switching to the other and seeing how switching is the main gimmick of the game, you'll be doing this often.  The purple broken hearts will make the woman you're focusing on upset, instantly draining all of her stamina and forcing you to switch to the other woman until, once again, she regains four bars of stamina.  As you can guess, if both women get upset, that is also your ass.

Restore a lady's stamina by matching three or more of these.

The other mechanic is Baggage.  These can either help you out or screw you over, but they'll usually screw you over.  Baggage are traits that women have that affect how you solve the puzzles.  For example, Jessie has a trait that will randomly keep her from regaining stamina because she smokes too much.  Some Baggage will nullify the effect of Date Gifts and others will prevent certain Date Gifts from being used at all.  One discourages making big moves on a certain girl.  A really screwed up one is that the bells will usually give you extra turns, but one of the women will cause the bells to cost you turns.  It forces you to take a more tactical approach to the dates.  You unlock Baggage by talking to the women.  Each woman has three types of Baggage, but fortunately, only one is active during each date.  You'll know which Baggage you're dealing with before you dive into each date as it will have an arrow pointing at it while you're talking to them.  This will help you choose which Baggage you're willing to deal with.

Baggage forces a more strategic approach to the dates.

Speaking of the women, there are roughly the same number as in the first game, comprising of a mix between returning women and new ones.  Unfortunately, all of my favorites got cut.  No Audrey.  No Nikki.  No Aiko.  No Kyanna.  Only Jessie and Lola return.  Kyu returns, but she stays on the sidelines.  I like these characters, but I can't help but feel they could have brought in a few more.

Unfortunately, the only two returning women are Jessie...

...and Lola.

The newcomers are an interesting bunch.  You have a fat chick with a bad tan who apparently smells bad, a shy stick figure, a Latina thug, a barely legal goth girl, a typical dumb chick with big breasts who does cocaine, a hot British chick, a woman who may or may not have a penis (you get to choose), an esper, an older woman who's related to Audrey in some capacity, and a Muslim woman who's got years of repression to screw out of her system.  As you can tell, you'll be playing the field with a wide assortment of ladies.  I don't know who's attracted to a fat, stankin' chick, but I guess there's a woman for everyone.  My personal favorites among them are the British chick because she's hot and the repressed Muslim chick because...holy crap, she is one horny woman.

This Muslim girl is probably the horniest woman in gaming history.

Date Gifts are different in the fact that they are now equipped on each individual woman, not the player.  This means that those gifts can only be used when you are dating that particular lady until unequip them and equip them on another woman.

Seeds are the new currency.  That's right, no more Munie.  Instead, you'll be collecting seeds from the girls after dating them, which you'll use to buy everything you need.  There are four different types of seeds; romance, flirtation, sexuality, and talent.  The items you buy in the shop to power up the girls require specific seeds to buy.  You'll get these seeds whether you win or lose, so you'll be able to get everything in due time.

The four seeds replace Munie as currency.

On to the little stuff.  The graphics are nice and colorful.  As mentioned before, most of the women look nice.  You can tart the girls up with different outfits and hairstyles, which you win from successful dates.  Some of them are pretty hot, too.

Winning gets you sexy new outfits and hairstyles.

The music is nice.  The final date theme sound like some epic RPG end boss song, which is kind of hilarious.  The voice acting is hit or miss, but the big issue is the language.  These ladies have the foulest mouths you'll have from women in gaming.  There is a lot more swearing and innuendo than in the first game, especially from Kyu.  Whenever Kyu isn't swearing, she's talking a about masturbating, though she's usually swearing AND talking about masturbating.  It's not a deal breaker if you can handle it, but it is something you'll want to be aware if you are sensitive to such things.

Kyu is perhaps the biggest contributor of swearing and sex talk, but it's close.

After you beat the game, you'll unlock several additional modes.  You can put those leftover seeds to use on new hair and outfits if you want.  And you WILL earn all of it.  This game is surprisingly hard, especially that final stretch, which I won't spoil here.  As far as I can tell, the game is complete as is, with no DLC that I've seen.

Hunie Pop 2: Double Date is a strong upgrade over the original.  Other than my favorite ladies, nothing was lost, and new mechanics were added, making for a more strategic experience.  The new women are hit or miss.  The language may turn you off, so I'm going to have to dock it for that.  There are several things I haven't said for the sake of length, but this is a true upgrade.  I like the game, but the language may be too big of a gap to bridge for some.  Buy With Caution.