5 Terrible Games I Am Ashamed To Own

As a hypernerd, I play a lot of games.  Naturally, you're going to come across some shitty ones if you play long enough.  I don't intentionally seek out bad games.  There are other people who do that so much better than I ever will.  But sometimes, you think, "this looks interesting," or, "this can't be as bad as advertised".  After all, I did a list of bad games that I enjoy and still play to this day.  This list is different.  This, in no particular order, are five turds that I could not polish enough to get any enjoyment out of.

5.  Mindjack (PS3)

Mindjack is the ultimate example of "cool idea, terrible execution".  The music is good and the concept of possessing other people and fighting as them is a great idea.  Unfortunately, you actually have to play the game and that's where the problems start.  It's glitchy, twitchy, and shitty.  This is an example of a game where I just had to see if a good concept could overcome bad execution.  Sadly, in the case of Mindjack, it can't.  Oh, well.  At least the music is good.

4.  SimCity 2000 (PS1)

Ugh, the control.  The control breaks everything this game had going for it.  It's a decent city builder, but the control is just too much to overcome.  Being slow and choppy doesn't do it any favors, either.  Do yourself a favor and stick with the PC version.

3.  Cuties Hacked (PS4)

It's one of those games where you have to make cuts to reveal a certain percentage of a picture before you run out of lives.  Your reward for doing so is getting a picture of a cute (but poorly drawn) woman.  There are traps and enemies that will do everything in their power to stop you from retrieving your jerk material.  Honestly, the gameplay isn't that bad.  So if it's not bad, why is it on this list?

There is one bigtime flaw that sinks the game; you need to be online to access all the girls.  First, you have to buy all but two of the girls.  You'll still pay less than ten dollars for the game, so that's not too bad, even if it's still shitty.  No, the bad part is that you need to be online to play their levels and view their pictures.  In other words, you need to be connected to use content you already paid for.  Even if you've already beaten those levels, you can't replay them or view the pictures unless you're connected.  WTF?  That is total BS.

2.  Extinction (PS4)

If I was making this list in order, this would be number one.  I've already done a review on it, so I won't go into detail here.  Trust me when I say that this is the shittiest game I own.  Yes, it's even worse than Mindjack.  Stay away from this turd.

1.  Burning Fight (PS2)

I didn't want to add this one for two reasons.  First, it's a part of a compilation and I was only trying to put stand-alone games on this list.  Second, it's a beat 'em up, one of my favorite genres.  But, the game is just so shitty, I had to.

The game has a few things going for it.  The graphics are good.  The music is solid.  I like the atmosphere of the first level.  On the next level, there's a chick with sexy legs trying to run you through with a knife and you get to beat the crap out of Hulk Hogan.  That's where the positive end.

When you first start playing, the combat doesn't feel too bad.  "It's not Final Fight or Streets Of Rage, but it's serviceable."  But if you keep playing, you'll see how crappy it is.  You'll be dodging dynamite, get beaten by cowards with chains, shot by guys who look like Inspector Gadget, and jumped on by gay, sumo-wrestling, Mexican truckers.  That's not all, but the point is you'll be getting beat left and right and it seems like there's nothing you can do about it.  Everything just feels wrong after the first level.  This game should be good, but it isn't.

And those are the five shittiest games in my personal collection.  Obviously, there are shittier games out there.  As I said before, I don't go out of my way to hunt down shitty games that don't at least look interesting.  I DO have a big backlog, so maybe there will be a part two someday.  Until then, what are the shittiest games in your collection?  Comment and have your voice heard.

Hunie Pop 2: Double Date Review (PC)

An island of horny women.  Dating two women at a time.  Kyu.  This is Hunie Pop 2: Double Date.

In Hunie Pop 2: Double Date, you reprise your role as the ultimate playboy (or playgirl if you choose).  This time, you're called upon to save the universe from a pair of space whores.  How will you accomplish this?  By going to an island resort and screwing the brains out of every woman there, then screwing the brains out of the space whores, too.

Once again, the dates and sex are puzzles to be solved.  There one big difference from the prequel, though.  You have to date two women at once.  Things aren't too different from how they were before on this front.  Simply fill up the Affection meter to win. 

Gameplay is largely the same as the first game, except you'll date two women at once.

There are new mechanics that up the challenge.  First, the women can run out of stamina.  When one girl runs out of stamina, she's on the sidelines until she regains four bars.  If both girls run out of stamina, that's your ass.  The best way to restore stamina is to match at least three gray pentagons.  You can conserve the stamina of one woman by switching to the other and seeing how switching is the main gimmick of the game, you'll be doing this often.  The purple broken hearts will make the woman you're focusing on upset, instantly draining all of her stamina and forcing you to switch to the other woman until, once again, she regains four bars of stamina.  As you can guess, if both women get upset, that is also your ass.

Restore a lady's stamina by matching three or more of these.

The other mechanic is Baggage.  These can either help you out or screw you over, but they'll usually screw you over.  Baggage are traits that women have that affect how you solve the puzzles.  For example, Jessie has a trait that will randomly keep her from regaining stamina because she smokes too much.  Some Baggage will nullify the effect of Date Gifts and others will prevent certain Date Gifts from being used at all.  One discourages making big moves on a certain girl.  A really screwed up one is that the bells will usually give you extra turns, but one of the women will cause the bells to cost you turns.  It forces you to take a more tactical approach to the dates.  You unlock Baggage by talking to the women.  Each woman has three types of Baggage, but fortunately, only one is active during each date.  You'll know which Baggage you're dealing with before you dive into each date as it will have an arrow pointing at it while you're talking to them.  This will help you choose which Baggage you're willing to deal with.

Baggage forces a more strategic approach to the dates.

Speaking of the women, there are roughly the same number as in the first game, comprising of a mix between returning women and new ones.  Unfortunately, all of my favorites got cut.  No Audrey.  No Nikki.  No Aiko.  No Kyanna.  Only Jessie and Lola return.  Kyu returns, but she stays on the sidelines.  I like these characters, but I can't help but feel they could have brought in a few more.

Unfortunately, the only two returning women are Jessie...

...and Lola.

The newcomers are an interesting bunch.  You have a fat chick with a bad tan who apparently smells bad, a shy stick figure, a Latina thug, a barely legal goth girl, a typical dumb chick with big breasts who does cocaine, a hot British chick, a woman who may or may not have a penis (you get to choose), an esper, an older woman who's related to Audrey in some capacity, and a Muslim woman who's got years of repression to screw out of her system.  As you can tell, you'll be playing the field with a wide assortment of ladies.  I don't know who's attracted to a fat, stankin' chick, but I guess there's a woman for everyone.  My personal favorites among them are the British chick because she's hot and the repressed Muslim chick because...holy crap, she is one horny woman.

This Muslim girl is probably the horniest woman in gaming history.

Date Gifts are different in the fact that they are now equipped on each individual woman, not the player.  This means that those gifts can only be used when you are dating that particular lady until unequip them and equip them on another woman.

Seeds are the new currency.  That's right, no more Munie.  Instead, you'll be collecting seeds from the girls after dating them, which you'll use to buy everything you need.  There are four different types of seeds; romance, flirtation, sexuality, and talent.  The items you buy in the shop to power up the girls require specific seeds to buy.  You'll get these seeds whether you win or lose, so you'll be able to get everything in due time.

The four seeds replace Munie as currency.

On to the little stuff.  The graphics are nice and colorful.  As mentioned before, most of the women look nice.  You can tart the girls up with different outfits and hairstyles, which you win from successful dates.  Some of them are pretty hot, too.

Winning gets you sexy new outfits and hairstyles.

The music is nice.  The final date theme sound like some epic RPG end boss song, which is kind of hilarious.  The voice acting is hit or miss, but the big issue is the language.  These ladies have the foulest mouths you'll have from women in gaming.  There is a lot more swearing and innuendo than in the first game, especially from Kyu.  Whenever Kyu isn't swearing, she's talking a about masturbating, though she's usually swearing AND talking about masturbating.  It's not a deal breaker if you can handle it, but it is something you'll want to be aware if you are sensitive to such things.

Kyu is perhaps the biggest contributor of swearing and sex talk, but it's close.

After you beat the game, you'll unlock several additional modes.  You can put those leftover seeds to use on new hair and outfits if you want.  And you WILL earn all of it.  This game is surprisingly hard, especially that final stretch, which I won't spoil here.  As far as I can tell, the game is complete as is, with no DLC that I've seen.

Hunie Pop 2: Double Date is a strong upgrade over the original.  Other than my favorite ladies, nothing was lost, and new mechanics were added, making for a more strategic experience.  The new women are hit or miss.  The language may turn you off, so I'm going to have to dock it for that.  There are several things I haven't said for the sake of length, but this is a true upgrade.  I like the game, but the language may be too big of a gap to bridge for some.  Buy With Caution.

Top 25 Sexiest Outfits In Gaming

Sometimes you look at a collection of polygons or sprite and think, "Man, that is one hot outfit."  Yeah, it could be the depiction of the woman wearing it, but you get the feeling that it would look sexy on any other character or even on real women.  These are, in no particular order, twenty-five such outfits.  Let's dive in.

1.  Mai Shiranui's Default Outfit (King Of Fighters)

We kick things off with an absolute banger.  If only more kunoichi were depicted like this.  I do wonder how she retains her agility with the giant beads on the end, though.

2.  Hibari's Outfit (Senran Kagura)

I'm not really a fan of Hibari, but I do love her outfit.  It looks really good on other girls, like Yumi and Ikaruga.

3.  Cammy's Default Outfit (Street Fighter)

Another classic sexy outfit.  If it were just a regular leotard, that would but sexy enough, but when she turns around...yeah...

4.  Amazon's Outfit (Dragon's Crown)

It's basically just a swimsuit with boots.  Who needs armor when you're wearing a super protective bikini.  I'm not sure when fantasy warriors started wearing stuff like this, but I hope they never stop.  Actually, this is excessive, even for fantasy warriors.  Still, keep 'em coming.

5.  Sakura's Gym Outfit (Street Fighter 4)

Break out the ice water.  Her school uniform is iconic, but this is my favorite.  Maybe this should be her new default.  I prefer this one over her Street Fighter 5 swimsuit because of the shoes...though I could do without the clicking of her stopwatch.

6.  Yuri's Outfit (Mystic Warriors)

Typical ninja garb, but it's a thong.  Thongs make everything better.  That includes female ninjas.

7.  Wu-Ruixiang's Outfit (Samurai Shodown)

A dress with a nice double split all the way up to the waist that shows off those sexy legs.  It might be good to wear to a ritzy party.

8.  Asuka's Original Outfit (Tekken)

With the top wide open, she looks like a sexy mechanic or motorcycle model.  I don't hate the color scheme.  Maybe it would look good on a female pro wrestler or a participant in the X-Games.

9.  Kasumi's Second Swimsuit (Dead Or Alive)

Kasumi always gets the best clothes in DOA.  She tends to have the best wardrobe and this skimpy little thing is no exception.

10.  Juri's Swimsuit (Street Fighter 5)

I love this outfit on Juri, but what kind of swimsuit is this?  Seriously, who wears a riding jacket and boots to the beach?  Despite the lack of synergy from the individual parts, the outfit as a whole is sexy.

11.  Cammy's Winter Outfit (Street Fighter)

This is what she wears in cold weather?  And it's a thong to boot.  How do she keep her ass from getting frostbitten?

12.  Ivy's Outfit (Soul Calibur)

You didn't seriously think this wasn't going to make it, did you?

13.  Laura's Story Outfit (Street Fighter 5)

If a real woman walked down the street dressed like this, you'd probably want to screw her right then and there.  She'd probably kick your ass, but she'd also probably understand.  With all that underboob and her thong showing from under her shorts, how could she not.

14.  Chun Li's Battle Dress (Street Fighter 5)

Chun Li gets in touch with her inner-Mai in this hot little number.  Actually, if you take away the spiked bracelets, this would be more wearable in public than Mai's outfit.  Another good party outfit.  And just look how excited that guy in the background is.

15.  Cammy's Story Outfit (Street Fighter 5)

Yep.  Cammy gets a hat trick on this list.  Maybe Cammy is just that sexy, but all these outfits are sexy regardless of whether or not she's in them.

16.  Lucia's Outfit (Final Fight 3)

Now this is a heck of an outfit for a policewoman to wear.  If real policewomen wore this on the job a lot of criminals would gladly turn themselves in and beg for a pat down.

17.  Blaze's Original Outfit (Street Of Rage)

While it's not particularly well-executed in 16-bits, I've always liked the idea of what this outfit should be.  It's 90s sexy.

18.  Christie's Black Dress (Dead Or Alive 5)

Christie's is probably my least favorite DOA girl, but this outfit is smoking hot.  Any game girl or real woman over 25 would be a smoke factory in this.

19.  Mina's Outfit (Samurai Shodown)

Skimpy, but functional, it's a good outfit for a tribal warrior.  If you're a cosplayer who's trying to push the line, go for it.

20.  Female Byleth's Dancer Outfit (Fire Emblem: Three Houses)

This outfit has a lot going for it, including a nice side view.  This is like something a Hollywood celebrity would wear to an award show...and it would be on the tamer side of some of the stuff we've seen them in.

21.  Claire's Cowgirl Outfit (Resident Evil Revelations 2)

Yeehaw!  Claire rustles up some sexiness with this one.  Imagine if Annie Oakley had been wearing this.

22.  Xianghua's Outfit (Soul Calibur 4)

I like the color scheme.  I love the super short shorts with the super high split and knee socks.  It's sexy but not something a real woman would be embarrassed to walk out of the house wearing.

23.  Taki's Outfit (Soul Calibur 6)

Who knew you could be completely covered up and show your entire body at the same time?  Long live ninja girls in tight clothes.

24.  Maria (Psycho Dreams)

I like the color scheme AND it's a thong.  Anybody noticing a trend?

25.  Kokoro's Second Outfit (Dead Or Alive 5)

For reasons I can't explain, I just find this outfit sexy.  Maybe Kokoro makes this outfit, but I think it would look just as good on Lei Fang, Ayane, or a number of other game girls, both in and outside of DOA.

And that's 25 outfit that would look sexy on other character.  A few would even work on real women.  Of course, these aren't all the sexy game outfits there are, but this post would never end if I had to list them all.  So, which game outfits do you think are sexy?  Comment and have your voice heard.

Meta Gal Review (Switch)

Running through levels.  Kick robot ass.  Stealing weapons.  The is Mega Man...I mean Meta Gal.

Meta Gal is an interesting Mega Man clone game.  You take the role of Meta, a female robot...or something as you try to free your fellow female robots from their kidnapper, the evil General Creeper.  There is a miniscule amount of humor to show the game isn't taking itself too seriously.

General Creeper kidnaps your friends and you must get them back.

In terms of gameplay, the game feels like Mega Man in Mega Man X 's world.  Meta can shoot, dash, and climb ladders.  Also, when you beat robot bosses, you take their weapon for your own use.  Naturally, the bosses are weak to another boss's weapon, which you'll need to figure out through trial and error.  It's all pretty basic for Mega Man veterans.

No Mega Man clone is complete without spikes.

The game isn't just some easy knock-off, either.  There is Mega Man-caliber challenge here, too.  There are plenty of tricky situations to squirm your way through.  Fortunately, you have air-tight controls to help you.  When you die, it's not the controller's fault.  The only way to win is to stop sucking and get it done, just like the good old days.

The game does bring a few different things to the table. Special weapons are mapped to a specific, which isn't different in and of itself.  This same button however, is used to fire off a super shot or heal a miniscule amount of health.  Yep, there are no E-tanks here.  Also, you can collect gears to use the rebirth ability, which enables you to continue from the screen you died on.  This is good because, in true Mega Man fashion, there are some spots that are tough to get through and those checkpoints can be pretty far back.

The game is shorter than typical Mega Man experiences.  You have an intro level, four boss levels, and four "Wily" levels for a total of nine levels.  As mentioned before, they didn't skimp on the challenge.  You'll do pretty of dying if you like that sort of thing.

If you even sniff this lava, you will die.

Like Quick Man's death lasers?  You'll love these jets of flame.

On to the little stuff.  Graphically, the game could pass for a slightly rugged X game.  It has the dark, somewhat grounded look of those games, rather than the cartoony look of the main series.

In terms of music, once again, I'm getting an X vibe with a slight feminine feel.  It's pretty good. The tracks are short, though. Several sound effects are ripped straight out of Mega Man games, so it's not like their trying to hide the fact that this is a Mega Man clone.

Extras are limited to the ability to play as the four main bosses.  Each girl has her own moveset and presents a unique challenge when it comes to tackling the levels.  Parts of some levels may change to accommodate your girl's abilities, which actually makes the levels beatable.  Unfortunately, the bosses can't use the other girls' weapons.  Also, the girl you're playing as gets replaced by Meta as a level boss.  It's cool.  But that's ALL you get, so enjoy.

When playing as a boss, Meta will replace that boss at the end of her level.

In Meta Gal, what we have is the Mega Man X game that never was.  That's what it feels like.  Simple running, jumping, and shooting, alongside the guitar-heavy music and semi-gritty graphics make it hard to not make the comparison.  Playing as the bosses is a neat feature.  It's nothing you haven't seen before and a little rough around the edges, but it's executed well.  Check It Out.

Streets Of Rage 4: Anniversary Edition Review (PS4)

An old-classic series.  Familiar faces you know and love.  A fresh twist for a new generation.  This is Streets Of Rage 4: Anniversary Edition.

Streets Of Rage 4 is the rebirth of a long dormant franchise.  You take the roles of longtime protags Axel and Blaze, as well as a mix of newcomers and familiar faces.  Your job is to beat in heads and fight your way through Wood Oak City, eventually making it to Mr. X's kids, the Y Twins, and beating the crap out of them.

Gameplay is similar to the originals.  You beat on a variety of thugs with fists, weapons, and special moves, and star moves.  There are some differences, though.  The biggest differences are star attacks and what I like to call the Pinball effect.  Star moves are semi-screen bomb that can be used as long as you have one star under your life bar.  The Pinball effect is when you bounce enemies off of walls, leaving them open to further damage.  You can really rack up a high-damage combo by utilizing this, but you can be pinballed, too.  There are times when it can be annoying.  If you've played the game, you know about a particular area when this feature is overused.  It's fun for the most part, though.

At its heart, Streets Of Rage 4 is good, head-breaking fun.

The character roster is both exciting and disappointing.  As mentioned before, you'll play as Axel and Blaze and many others.  You'll also get access to two newcomers, Cherry and Floyd, and three bosses for a total of seven characters right out the gate with the opportunity to unlock more.

The roster includes old favorites and their past incarnations.

If The Shield had a female member, she'd look like this.

Unfortunately, the unlockable characters is where the roster disappoints.  I'm a fan of Adam making his playable return to the series.  Sadly, the rest of them are past versions previously characters.  Yes, it can be hard to create twenty characters for a game like this, but did we really need FOUR versions of Axel and Blaze?  I mean, I love Blaze, but I don't need four of her.  I wouldn't have minded if a few of those spots were used on shiny new characters or even making a few more of the bosses playable.  Barbon would have been a good pick.  Just imagine kicking your way through foes with Barbon's nigh-invincible roundhouse.  What about a modern, aged-up version of Skate...or is that what Cherry is supposed to be?

Characters can be customized with special moves, provided you unlock them.  You can also change the colors.  It shouldn't be hard to find moveset and color scheme that works for you.  I do wish they updated versions of previous costumes instead of just color palettes.

You can customize characters with moves you've unlocked.

In terms of difficulty, the game is easier than past games.  The reason for this is because the game saves after every level.  Barring that, the true difficulty is harder than Streets Of Rage 2, but easier than Streets Of Rage 3.  The enemies are very aggressive and varied.  There are guys with shields, guys with guns, and chicks with bombs, among others.  You'll take plenty of ass-whuppins if you don't know who to prioritize.  Some bosses from the past are back and have also changed in difficulty.  This is Shiva's easiest incarnation, while Barbon is much harder than he was in Streets Of Rage 2.  Bosses also have attacks that give them anti-stun armor and use them frequently, so watch out for those.

Speaking of enemies, you'll also police as well as thugs.  They don't just all gang up on you, either.  If the thugs and cops get close, they'll start fighting each other.  I love it.  It's hilarious.

I laughed my ass off the first time I saw this.

On to the little stuff.  The graphics are stylish.  There's a lot of flash and pop all over the place.  The 16-bit characters look out of place, but they actually seem to look better than they did back in the day.  And most importantly, they didn't screw up Blaze.  She's still hot.  In fact, they did right on a few of the women.  The whip girls aren't my favorite, but at least they still look like women.  The female thugs in shorts are now bare-legged, a plus to be sure.  And Ms. Y is kind of doing something for me, too.

There's plenty of flash to go with the new style.

Does liking Ms. Y make me a bad person?

Just as hot as Blaze is the soundtrack.  There's a lot of good stuff in here.  There's some chill stuff, like the title screen theme.  There's some pulse-pounding stuff, like the Chinatown theme.  Certainly, a lot of MP3-worthy stuff to be found.  You can even switch things up to play tracks from the previous games.  Unfortunately, this game commits the sin of not having a sound test.  Why not?  The three originals did.

Outside of story mode, there are several other game modes.  The Mr. X's Nightmare DLC is a survival mode where the beatings don't stop.  There's also arcade mode for an old-school challenge, battle mode, and the boss rush.  There's a training mode where you can beat on your favorite thug or thugs until the end of time if you want.  There's also art to unlock, a few pieces showing characters you could have played as.

Survival mode allows you to choose perks before moving on to the next wave of enemies.

Training mode is the place to beat on an army of swordswomen in minidresses as long as you want.

This guy should have replaced one of the Axels or Blazes.

Streets Of Rage 4: Anniversary Edition is a good, solid beat 'em up.  It's got some changes, but it's old-school gaming for a new generation of gamers.  The soundtrack is white-hot and while I would have preferred a gritter look like in the previous games, the graphics are stylish.  The roster could have been better, but there are still lots of characters to choose from.  Multiple difficulty settings and game modes will keep you coming back.  Play It.