Lost Kingdoms 2 (Gamecube)

It's time to re-enter the fantasy world on magic and monsters.  Kingdoms will once again be brought to the brink of ruin.  Finally, the fate of the good and innocent will once again rest in the hands of a teenage girl with jewel and a deck of cards.

Lost Kingdoms 2 takes place 200 years after the original and follows a girl called Tara Grimface.  For the sake of get it out the way, Tara is hot.  At least hotter that cat-faced moron Katia.  She looks like a down-on-her-luck fortune teller, but she just more appealing to look at than Katia.

Tara's backstory is more interesting than Katia's.  Her childhood was pretty messed up, making her more sympathetic.  You wouldn't wish her childhood on anyone, though it was done .  Of course this results in Tara not being particularly friendly or trusting of others.  But she's not walking around being an asshole either, so you can still sympathize with her.

Also, her voice isn't as irritating as Katia's.  The banshee-like screeches and squeals Katia belted out made me want to strangle a cat.  Tara actually sounds like someone who can take a hit.  I suppose that makes sense, though.  Katia was a princess who'd never been in combat before the events of the original Lost Kingdom, whereas as Tara starts off as a seasoned veteran traveling with a band of thieves.  Anyway, Tara is less annoying.  With the character comparison done, let's move on.

Lost Kingdoms 2 plays similar to the original, with some game-changing differences.  First, there are two new types of cards (helper and transform) to go with the original three (weapon, summon, and independent).  Helper cards are like independent cards in the fact that they allow a creature to join you on the battlefield.  However, where independents are committed solely to fighting, helpers may not may not fight.  The value of helpers is in what else they do.  Some are solely healers, some dig up crystals (yes, they're back), while other enchant the battlefield with an effect to turn the tide of the battle.  Transform cards allow Tara to turn into a monster and go places she otherwise couldn't reach.  Summon cards behave a little differently, allowing you to choose what the summoned creature will do.  Weapon and independent cards are exactly the way they were in the first game.  Some card have changed their type from the original game, so there is a small readjustment period.

Second, there are no longer random battles.  You can see the monsters roaming around the battlefield, fighting or avoiding them at your leisure.  This makes deck management easier than in the previous game because you simply don't have to waste cards.

Speaking of deck management, it's a lot better in this game.  The biggest difference is that when you skip a card, you can use it again later.  In the original game, a skipped card was treated like a used card, which meant you couldn't use it again until the battle was over or you aborted the mission.  That was total BS and I'm glad they changed this.

Combat is still largely the same.  Tara can't fight without cards, so make sure you put together a good deck before trotting her out onto the battlefield.  As mentioned before, some cards have changed their type, so make sure you practice.  There is ample opportunity to practice now, because you can replay missions anytime you want.

Tara is different from Katia in the fact that she can level up (like in a normal RPG).  Katia could only get stronger at certain story points in the original game, but Tara can get stronger by fighting battles.  Also, Tara herself can have an elemental alignment, which reduces the crystal cost of using cards of that element.  Beware though, because if there's an element you're not proficient in, it cost extra crystals to use cards of that element.  There is a balancing act between the elements, so you'll never be able to master them all (or have difficulty doing so).  Tara can supercharge cards as well, doubling the crystal cost, but also doubling their effectiveness.  All this is to say that Tara is more fun to play as than Katia.

The problems that plagued the first game have been cut back, though they aren't completely gone.  The camera is better as you can now position it and move it freely.  This means obstacles you can't see don't block your movements.  The camera will, however, sometimes get too close to Tara, making it hard to see anything except her.  She's cute, but I'd like to see what the heck I'm doing.

Also, the controls are more responsive, making Tara much easier and quicker to move.  The cheap hits aren't as prevalent, but you'll still take some.  The one big flaw that's still there in full is that Tara still takes as much time to get up from being knocked down as Katia.  If you're not quick, you could wind up in an endless cycle of getting your ass kicked until you die.

The graphics and music are much improved.  Stages and themes from the previous game have been brought back and are better than ever.  As mentioned before, Tara's grunts and screams aren't as annoying as Katia's and she even has a spoken line at the end.  Its fun and funny to watch monsters walking around freely, making their distinctive sounds.  The music from the new stages is nice.  Nothing wrong in either of these department.

There is a stage that takes place in a battle arena, that affords you the chance to beat on monsters in one-on-one combat.  The most interesting part is that Helena is back...and she's easy.  She's the source is so many headaches in the first game, but she's Tara's bitch in this game.  Perhaps you'd prefer to beat the crap out of Katia (Yes, that Katia).  Well, you can do that, too.  Words can't explain how badly I beat the tar out of her and this game made that dream come true.  Just beautiful.

Lost Kingdoms 2 is a marvelous game and great improvement over the first.  Literally everything that was a problem in the first game has been fixed and overhauled.  Of course, the game isn't without flaws, but none of them break the game (like Helena in the first game).  Better graphics, better music, better gameplay, better controls, and yes, a better heroine make this a nice experience.  If you have a Wii or Wii U, take advantage of the backwards compatibility and give it a shot.  Don't miss this one.

Lost Kingdoms Review (Gamecube)

It's time to enter a fantasy world of magic and monsters.  Epic battles between good and evil will bring entire kingdoms to ruin.  The only hope for the good and innocent people of the land is a teenage girl with a jewel and a deck of cards.  This is Lost Kingdoms.

Lost Kingdoms is a kind of like a hybrid of Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokémon.  Katia (the main character) can't fight, but let's her cards do the fighting.  She has many cards at her disposal, divided into three different types.  First there are the weapon card, which are used like...well, weapons.  These are my personal favorite, because they allow Katia to get down and dirty.  Then there are the independent cards.  These are like Pokémon, as the summon a creature to fight alongside Katia in combat.  Finally, there are to summon cards, which call forth a creature that will either launch a quick attack and disappear or help Katia by healing her hit points or restoring her cards, among other things.  The game also has an elemental system, so she can make the most out of her cards.

The game even has a capture system similar to Pokémon.  Simply wear down an enemy until it's almost dead, decide which card you want to sacrifice, toss it at the enemy while holding the L button, and bam!  There's another monster in your collection.  It's good if you've just 'gotta catch 'em all'.  You can also buy cards from the card shop to fill out your collection.  If that's not enough, you can collect red fairies an take them to the fairy collector in exchange for cards.

Going back to the card shop, you don't just buy cards.  You can sell them, transform them into other card, or copy them.  Selling them get you money so you can buy other cards.  Transforming them is a good way to turn extras into cards you either don't have or word rather have and requires experience points.  Copying them is good if you have a favorite or need extras to sell or transform and, like transforming, requires experience points.  So as you can see, it's very much possible to get every card.

Katia can't just use these cards at her leisure.  She needs crystals to use them.  Each card has its own crystal value and if she doesn't have enough, she can still use them...at the cost of hit points.  It cost ten hit points for each crystal you're short.  Yes, Katia CAN die if she overuses cards when she short on crystals, so beware.

Also, you have the ability to skip a card if you don't want to use it yet, but the way it's handled is BS.  When you skip a card, it's treated kind of like an used card.  Put another way, if you skip a card you can't use it again until the battle ends.  Why did they do it that way?  Who knows?  Just keep in mind that if you skip too many cards, you could be hurting yourself during a boss battle or a tough battle when you're already short on cards, because you'll run out of them faster.  As mentioned, Katia can't fight without of cards, so you'll have to run from battle (which cost you a card) or abort the mission and start over.  Or you could let yourself be killed.  If you run out of cards at any point during the mission, you'll have no choice but to abort and restart.

There are some annoyances here and there.  The first thing is the way Katia moves.  It's hard to explain but she has to start moving before she actually moves.  It's weird.  Fortunately, this is only a problem when she starts moving or changes direction, but be prepared to take some cheap hits.  She simply doesn't feel right, like she's out of shape or something.

The second annoyance is a serious problem throughout the game.  When Katia gets knocked down, she takes her time getting back up.  This allows opponents to size her up for the next hit.  Combined with the first problem, you can imagine the frustration this can cause.  I remember screaming at the TV, "stop falling down and start fighting, you idiot!"

The third annoyance is the camera.  It's not always a problem, though.  On certain levels, it seems like you can't just find a good camera angle.  Sometimes the camera will make obstacles transparent, which can cause you to get stuck and cornered.  You'll take plenty of cheap shots because of this.

The final annoyance is Helena, particularly at Grayl Castle (you fight her more than once).  This purple cloak-wearing bitch pissed me off to no end.  She's a card-user like Katia, only she NEVER runs out of cards.  She's so cheap, I had to check to make sure I wasn't playing an SNK game (anyone who's ever fought Krizalid or Amakusa knows what I mean).  She is beatable, but bring extra controllers and patience.

As for the other stuff, the graphics are only average and haven't aged well.  The music is solid, yet somehow bland at the same time.  As for extras...when you beat the game, you can replay the missions (you can't replay them until you beat the game).  Extra missions can be unlocked by talking to Gurd (the owner of the card shop), so make sure to talk to her after every mission.  There's also a two-player mode where you duel with another player (sorry, no co-op here).  There's more than enough length (and frustration) to keep you occupied.

Lost Kingdoms is a mixed bag.  It has a lot of interesting things going for it.  You play as a (debatably) cute girl who fights a deck of cards.  The graphics aren't bad, the music works, and the gameplay is nice.  The execution is kind of shaky because of the way Katia and the camera handle, which can lead to cheap hits and deaths.  Oh, and that darned Helena.  Equal parts fun and frustrating, it's the very definition of a middle of the road game.  Give it a try.

Videogame Hotties: Audrey Belrose

Do you like mega-bitches, smokers, and women who look fake.  Well, you're in luck.  Huniepop's Audrey Belrose is all three.

Foul-mouthed and ready for a fight, Audrey is the bitch other bitches aspire to be.  Seriously, she's an asshole and doesn't care.  She's like Donald Trump with breasts.

This makes me laugh no matter how many times I see it.

Bad person or not, she's not bad on the eyes.  She can even change her look if you get tired of seeing her one way.

Audrey's default look.

One of her alternate looks.

My personal favorite.

Breaking out the swimsuit for a date at the water park.

There she is.  Audrey Belrose, mega-bitch supreme.  Check her out in Huniepop.

Cool Characters: Robert Garcia

Before there was King Of Fighters, the was Art Of Fighting.  It was an okay fighting game filled with interesting characters.  As interesting as they were, only one of the was actually cool.  Robert Garcia, the Italian Beating Machine.

Robert, looking cool after kicking thirty asses.

Robert is happy fighting in his vest, dress pants, dress shoes, with his ponytail.  Robert's look has changed over the years.  He started off looking like Steven Seagal in his prime, eventually evolving into his current state.

Just giving Kula Diamond a nice, relaxing ass-kicking.

So what makes Robert so cool?  Everything.  His look, his outfit, his move set.  Nothing about thing dude is lame.  In terms of gameplay, he has all the answers and virtually no weaknesses.  He has a fireball for long-range fighting, an uppercut to knock enemies out of the air, and a flying kick to safely close the gap on opponents.  He's like Street Fighter's Ryu and Ken, only he doesn't look as boring.

Shoryuken...wait, what?

Forcing icy-cold Kula eat fire.

Robert even makes athlete's foot look cool.

Do your best not to get in the way of that.

So, there's Robert for you.  Tough, versatile, and cool-looking.  Heck, he's even good-looking for those female gamers out there.  Check him out in King Of Fighters 14.

Dynasty Warriors 8: Xtreme Legends Complete Edition Review (PS4)

Dynasty Warriors is a long-lived series from Tecmo-Koei.  The basic premise of every game in the series is to select your favorite Chinese warrior and whoop every ass you can find, whether they be simple peons or mighty warlords.  Essentially, you're playing Final Fight, but with people who really existed and in battles they actually fought.  Some BS is thrown in for added excitement (like superpowers and single-handedly beating a thousand people in a single battle), but it's mostly retelling history for those who are too lazy to study Chinese history.  Some view the series as an action-oriented companion to the more strategic Romance of Three Kingdoms series, which covers the same period of time (roughly from 184 AD to 280 AD) and features the same characters.  Anyway, let's dive into Dynasty Warriors 8: Complete Edition.

At it's heart. the game is the same as it's been for quite some time.  As mentioned before, you'll select a warrior from an impressive roster and trot out onto the battlefield to enjoy an ass-kicking buffet.  You'll beat on peons of assorted colors, almost like you're angry at a pack of Skittles.  Some peons have swords, some have shields, some use magic, but they all generally put up little resistance.  They, usually run up to you and stand there with their weapons drawn, throwing a slash on occasion just to prove they have a pulse.  There are some generic officers mixed in there who have a little more fight in them, but not much.

It's the selectable characters you have to watch out for.  They put up the most fight.  While they are still easy enough to kill by themselves, if these guys manage to come five or ten deep, you'll be in for one heck of a fight.  Seriously, there will be times where you'll be fighting three or four playable characters accompanied by six or seven generic officers (who suddenly won't seem so generic) and they'll all be hacking at you like bloodthirsty lumberjacks trying to cut down a human tree.  Yes, you do have allies, but they tend to be weak and stupid like the peons.

Peons as far as the eye can see.  The screen can fill up to the point where you can't find your character.

Some missions have different objectives.  You may have to protect a base or ally, losing the mission if you for to do so.  Make no mistake, you WILL have to do it, because it doesn't matter your ally is a badass like Guan Yu with a full life bar and facing ten peons.  If you aren't there, your allies will struggle to fight those peons if you aren't at least there supervising them.  In this way, the game can get challenging because you might face weird dilemmas.  For example, you could be in a situation where your commander is on the frontline and about to die, but your base (on the other side of the battlefield) is about to fall.  If your commander dies or the base falls, you'll lose the mission.  You'll have to take a wild guess as to whether to save the commander or the base (and hope you guess right).  And you can't screw around when the warning prompt comes up, because bases can fall and allies can (and usually will) die literally the very next second.  So the challenge isn't (usually) in the fighting, but in the situations the game puts you in.  It can be some BS.

As stated earlier, the roster is impressive, featuring over 80 characters.  Favorites and mainstays like Cao Cao and Zhuge Liang are present, along with newcomers like Cheng Gong and Deng Ai.  For the perverted gamer, there are plenty of cute girls to drool over.  Naturally, you'll find some you like and some you don't.

Look at all the characters.

A game just isn't complete without hot women.

So what all do you get.  You may notice the words Complete Edition in the title, implying that this isn't vanilla Dynasty Warriors 8.  You not only get Dynasty Warriors 8, but you also get DW8 Xtreme Legends and all the content that goes with said titles.  Story mode, free mode, challenge mode (which has five modes of its own), and ambition mode (my personal favorite) are all present, enabling you to beat ass under different stipulations.  Tired of fighting?  Then check out the gallery to ogle your characters and weapons or the encyclopedia for a light educational experience.  There's something here for everyone.

If you like animals, you can ride horses, elephants, and even bears

Story mode is the feature mode, allowing you to play as an officer from the Chinese kingdoms of Wei, Wu, Shu, and Jin.  They trying something different with the story mode in this game.  In past games, you started off with the Yellow Turban Rebellion, no matter who you picked.  In this game, you start off in different places in the timeline.  For example, the Wei story starts off in the unenviable position of escaping Luoyang, a scenario which has you running for your life from Lu Bu.  Trust me, you don't want that guy to catch up to you this early in the game.

Speaking of Lu Bu, this game actually gets him right.  Along with the Wei Wu, Shu, Jin, and Other stories, the is also a story centered around Lu Bu, the baddest ass in the game.  In it, you can play as people like Diaochan, Zhang Liao, and of course Lu Bu.  In this mode, you can really feel his power, doling out beatings and rape all over the battlefield.  Other selectable characters are like peons by comparison in this mode.  Even badasses like Guan Yu and Xiahou Dun are nothing more than flies to be swatted down by his spear.  Lu Bu has always been a selectable character in the series, but he finally FEELS like Lu Bu and he is glorious.

Select this story for a true Lu Bu experience.

Marvel at Lu Bu in all his glory.

In the end, Dynasty Warriors 8: Xtreme Legends Complete Edition is the definitive version of DW8 and in many ways, the definitive game in the entire series.  Multiple modes enable you to beat ass just the way you like.  The difficulty is upped, so hardcore gamers will be happy.  The encyclopedia provides a nice slice of Chinese history for historians to devour.  If you can't get enough of Chinese badasses beating on peons and other Chinese badasses this is the game for you.  Play it.

Videogame Hotties: Alice Nakata

Mai Shiranui is the queen of the King Of Fighters franchise.  Over the years, she's had some stiff competition in characters like Chae Lim, Athena Asamiya, Blue Mary, Leona, and Whip among others.  King Of Fighters 14 introduces some new competitors to challenge Mai for her crown.  Of all of them, Alice Nakata comes out on top.

That is a seriously low top.

Alice looks like an amalgamation of Terry Bogard and Mai Shiranui, wearing Terry's trademark hat and falling out of her top like Mai.  She, in fact is not related to either of them.  She's simply a fan of Terry.  Oh, and she's hot, too.

It may not look like it, but she is wearing shorts...

...see?

She's kind of tricky to use and she doesn't have a projectile attack.  But she can run, jump and kick (just like everyone else).

Alice runs.

This jumpkick does not impress Kula Diamond, but those truckers seem to like it.

Alice bounces around with the queen herself.

Tossing the Queen like week-old garbage.

Aim those specials right or wind up on your ass.

And that's Alice, Mai's strongest competitor yet for KOF's hottest woman.  Check her out in King Of Fighters 14.

Nerd Battle: Yumi vs. Kula Diamond

She is the queen of ice.  She artfully uses ice as a weapon and even as transportation.  She doesn't just look cool, literally is cool.  It's Yumi from Senran Kagura...or is it Kula Diamond from King of Fighters.  Uh oh.  You know what time it is.  Nerd battle!

The Ice Queen of Gessen goes against...

...the Ice-Skating Princess of Team K'.

Yumi is the leader of Gessen Girls' Academy.  Everyone kisses her ass.  Kula Diamond, on the other hand, just walks around kissing the ass of K'.  In terms of influence, there's not denying who stronger.

It terms of looks, both girls are cute in different ways.  Yumi is the girl you'd be proud to have hanging on your arm as a girlfriend.  Kula Diamond is cute like a little sister, which is to say you'd never date a girl like her.  Kula's appearance is only bolstered by her childlike personality.  Yumi takes looks.

Kula is a little cutie, but honestly...

...do you really think she can compete with this.

Fighting ability is where the battle gets interesting.  Both girls are deceptively good fighters.  Yumi can use her ice to summon ice vortices to mow down countless peons and fellow highly-skilled high school ninja.  She can even survive a three-on-one ass-kicking and still come out on top.  Kula may not be able to mow down peons (because King Of Fighters doesn't have peons) but she can defeat some of the cheapest bosses in videogame history with a little bit help.  So, Yumi can fight more opponents, but Kula's enemies are tougher.  Still, anyone who's ever played Senran Kagura Estival Versus knows how daunting a task fighting three main characters at a time can be, especially if they're all transformed.  Yumi can still win the big, tough battles.  Fighting is a tie.

Alice picked the wrong day to wear shorts.

Kula performing open-face surgery on Alice.

Yumi rains down icy death.

Yumi's ice surfing is second to none.

Time for the wrap-up.  Kula Diamond is tough and cute, but Yumi is all that and so much more.  She's hot, deadly, and has a better feel to her.  Kula can ice skate, but Yumi can surf on ice and looks cooler doing it.  Kula may have a little more personality, but she's too childish whereas Yumi is more mature.  Kula's not a bad character, but Yumi is better.  Yumi wins.

Deadly and efficient, Yumi takes this one.